How the first Eve became Lilith
NARRATOR: After years of pestering Adam, Eve
has finally decided that nagging him isn't enough. Eve has plans to corner and force
Adam into doing things her way. She's going to eat the fruit first and by that threaten
him with abandonment if he does not partake also.
EVE: Don't you remember that Father commanded
us to multiply and replenish the earth? You can't be that dumb! I have partaken
of this fruit and will be kicked out, and you will be left a lone man in the Garden
of Eden. You can't live a single day without me!
ADAM: Eve, I see that this must be so.
But, I will not partake. I may grieve your
loss, but you're strong and brave -- you don't need no man. There will be many
men who will be willing to help you achieve your desire to multiply and
replenish the earth. They will be fallen men, probably named Chad, so who knows
what will then happen, but choices have consequences which I now hope you shall
learn. Maybe.
EVE: But, but, Adam! You were supposed to
follow me out of Eden! With God out of the way, I'm the only one you were to
heed, and there’s a lot of heeding I had planned for you!
ADAM: Why? Father will only condemn me a
second time, one for partaking and one for heeding your words.
EVE: What kind of man are you?!
ADAM: What kind of woman are you?
GOD: Adam, Adam, where are you Adam?
ADAM: Right here, Father.
GOD: Adam, where is Eve?
ADAM: Hiding in those bushes over there.
GOD: Eve, why are you hiding?
EVE: Because Lucifer and Adam have tricked me!
They want me thrown out of Eden so they can keep it for themselves! It's not
fair! I demand a lawyer.
LUCIFER: Heh... At your service Eve; for a
divorce lawyer will need an $8,000 retainer fee and they charge $250 an hour.
EVE: How can I afford any of that!?! We don't
have money here!
LUCIFER: Not in Eden, but in my world you’ll
have Only Fans or you can become a Social Media Influencer and Life Coach.
EVE: Father! Adam! Why aren't you coming to my
rescue?! (Tears now) Who's going to pay my legal fees? Who's going to hand me
their resources and give me a standard of living that I'm accustomed to?
GOD: Eve, did I not tell you that you could
partake of anything except that fruit?
That in so doing there would be consequences?
EVE: But I thought you meant Adam, not me! He
tricked me you know.
GOD: Adam, did you trick her?
ADAM: How could I do that? I'm still innocent.
I have not allowed Lucifer to defile me.
GOD: Eve?
EVE: Fine! You men are all the same! I'll just
leave and don't you come looking after me! I mean it!!
GOD, ADAM: Okay.
EVE: You jerks! I'm leaving now! Here I am
walking away… Look, I'm going!
(SCREECHING FADES)
(GOD AND ADAM LOOK AT THEIR FEET, THEN UP,
THEN AT EACH OTHER) Mmmm ...
(LONG PAUSE)
ADAM: This isn’t over, is it Father?
GOD: Nope… Never is.
GOD: Adam, you cannot continue calling her Eve
any longer. What do you propose?
ADAM: I shall call her Lilith, the succubus, harridan
and child stealer.
GOD: Adam, would you like to give this Eve thing
another go?
ADAM: If the next Eve is anything like Lilith,
no. I couldn't wait to get her out of here. Nag, nag, nag; oppressive
patriarchy this, men that... she wouldn't shut up.
GOD: Sorry about that. She wasn’t the most
motivating woman I formed out of a rib, was she? I hope things will be
different with this new Eve.
(AFTER SOME TIME)
EVE: Adam! I'm so happy to meet you! Oh, look
at you! You're so big and strong, you make me feel so safe and secure.
Can I get you something to eat? What do you
want me to make you for dinner?
ADAM: Apple pie!
