A Letter to the Red States

Got this in the email today. Lib's...

responses in the text, in RED


Dear Red States:


We've decided we're leaving PACK YOUR BAGS, WE ARE TIRED OF YOUR WHINING, AMERICA BASHING, SPINELESS, EFFETE ATTITUDE. We intend to form our own country HAVE YOU LOOKED AT THE MAP BY COUNTY?, and we're taking the other Blue States with us.

In case you aren't aware, that includes Hawaii LETS SEE, THE ONE WITH A REPUBLICAN GOVERNOR?, Oregon ASSISTED SUICIDE AND HAVEN FOR 60'S TERRORISTS?, Washington OH, WHERE ALL THE HOMELESS AND PETA PEOPLE LIVE, Minnesota HOME OF THE NOT FUNNY, TAX CHEATING, PORNOGRAPHER, AL FRANKEN? AND GARRISON KEELOR?, Wisconsin ISN'T THAT WHERE THE HEFF & BILL MAHR LIVE?, Michigan OH YEAH, THAT BANKRUPT STATE?, Illinois LET'S SEE, CHICAGO, WILLIAM AYERS, REV. WRIGHT AND THE OBAMMUNISTS? and all the Northeast SUPER IMPOSE THAT WITH WELFARE AND VIOLENCE DEMOGRAPHICS (NOT DEMOCRATS, WELL...). We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California I COULDN'T AGREE MORE.

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches FINE, WE GET ALL THE OFFSHORE OIL RIGS THERE TOO! TRY SWIMMING IN YOUR OWN FECES AND MEDICAL WASTE. AS A MATTER OF FACT TRY GETTING A BEACH SPOT AFTER ALL THE HOMELESS HAVE SQUATTED YOU OUT (SEE SANTA MONICA). You get Sara Palin and Ralph Reed OH, YOU MEAN CHRISTIANS? THAT MEANS YOU GET SHARPTON, SINGER, AYERS, AND KENNEDY ALONG WITH EVERY OTHER SECULARIST - SOCIALIST. THAT ALWAYS WORKS.

We get the Statue of Liberty IT WAS FROM FRANCE, IRONIC EH?. You get the world's largest ball of twine ALONG WTIH THE MOST PRODUCTIVE LAND AND PEOPLE WHO THINK ITS OKAY FOR SOMETHING BESIDES LINDSAY LOHAN CHUCKING DOWN JACK DANIELS BY THE GALLON -- OH, I FORGOT, WE OWN KENTUCKY. We get Intel, Apple and Microsoft AND WE GET AMD, ACER, MSI, LINUX. YOU HAVE DELL-SUCKERS. You get WalMart YOU GET COST MORE. We get Harvard, WHERE BILL BUCKLEY FAMOUSLY SAID, "I'D RATHER BE GOVERNED BY THE FIRST 300 NAMES IN THE BOSTON PHONE BOOK THAN BY THE HARVARD ALUMNI" KEEP IT. You get Liberty University DON'T FORGET CLAIRMONT, PEPPERDINE, BYU, AND HUNDREDS OF OTHER INSTITUTIONS THAT DO AS GOOD OR BETTER. We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs AND AFTER YOU HAVE TAXED THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS OUT OF THEM, WE'LL HAVE THEM. You get Alabama YOU GET RHODE ISLAND. We get two-thirds of the tax revenue (BURDEN), you get to make the red states pay their fair share YOU ALSO GET 8/10'S OF THE REDISTRIBUTION BURDEN. RED STATES ARE ALSO WELFARE STATES. WITH OBAMA YOU WILL ALSO LOOSE ALL INCENTIVE TO INVEST WITH CAPITOL GAINS TAXES GOING THROUGH THE ROOF.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower SINCE GAYS CAN'T MARRY IN THE FIRST PLACE than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families (BACHELORS AND WELL...). You get a bunch of single moms COLLECTING ALIMONY FROM ALL YOUR GAY BACHELORS.

Please be aware that Nuevo California LIKE THE SPANISH LINGO. GET USED TO IT will be pro-choice MURDERED YOUR OWN CONSTITUENCY and anti-war FRANCE COULD KICK YOUR BUTTS, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once UM, ABOUT 70% OF THOSE TROOPS WOULD MOVE TO THE RED STATES AND MOST OF THEM ARE FROM THERE TO BEGIN WITH. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals WHO WOULD GLADLY, AND DO. V.S. YOUR CODE PINK WHINERS? THEY COULDN'T DEFEND A STARBUCKS. They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home THAT'S JUST PLAIN ASSENINE. REMEMBER WHAT YOU DID IN SOMOLIA. We do wish you success in Iraq , and hope that the WMDs turn up READ THE FULL REPORT, THEY DID, but we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's Quagmire OR THE FACT THAT WE HAVE NOT HAD ANOTHER TERRORIST ATTACK ON AMERICAN SOIL SINCE 911, AND INDEED FOILED THOUSANDS. THANKS FOR THE HELP.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country's fresh water OH, LIKE THE COLORADO RIVER THAT FEEDS CALIPORNIA?, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners), 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry YOU MEAN CALL CENTERS. THE BUBBLE BURST UNDER CLINTON AND MOST TECH WENT OFFSHORE. WHAT YOU HAVE CAN EASILY BE REPLACED, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal SORRY, THAT'S IN UTAH, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT ALL TOTALLY DEPENDENT ON GOVERNMENT CASH.

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans YEAH, CRACK DOES TEND TO MAKE YOU SKINNY.(and their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia THIS DISPARAGING THE SOUTH IS ONLY RECENT. BACK WHEN THEY WERE DEMOCRATS YOU GUYS WERE ALL FOR SEGREGATION, TURNED A BLIND EYE TO LYNCHINGS, AND BOB JONES WAS ONE OF YOUR BIGGEST SUPPORTERS (I LIVED IN GREENVILLE FOR A WHILE) THE REPUBLICANS DON'T WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH HIS DAMN SCHOOL. WHY THROW RUSH IN WITH THAT BUNCH? I DO AGREE THAT TELEVANGELISTS ARE COMITTING PRIESTCRAFT, BUT SO IS ALGORE.

We get Hollywood, Broadway, Big Sur SORRY, YOU'LL HAVE TO FIGHT US FOR THAT, AND SINCE WE HAVE ALL THE GUNS..., The Great Lakes and Yosemite, thank you.

Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale IT'S A FISH, MORON, AND THE STORY IS AN ALLEGORY. MANY BIBLE STORIES ARE ALLEGORICAL., 62 percent believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws HAVE YOU ANY IDEA WHAT SOMEONE HAS TO DO -- COMMIT TO DO -- TO QUALIFY FOR THE DEATH PENALTY? WHAT DID YOU CHILDREN DO? WHO IS TWISTED ON THAT POINT. AND GUN LAWS, WHAT HAS THAT TO DO WITH LIFE BEING SACRED? I'LL TELL YOU: MY LIFE IS SACRED; MY FAMILY DEPENDS ON ME AND I WILL PROTECT THEM. IF SOME SCUMBAG SHOWS IRREFUTABLE EVIDENCE THAT HE INTENDS TO TAKE MY LIFE OR HARM MY FAMILY, HIS LIFE HAS JUST BECOME FORFEIT. PERIOD. FURTHER, YOU CALL ME CRAZY FOR BELIEVING IN THE BIBLE AND YOU FALL FOR IDIOTS LIKE MARX, MAO, AND OBAMA? WHO'S THE DUNCE? THE PRINCIPLES TAUGHT IN THE BIBLE WORK. NOT SO MUCH THE SECULARISTS.,
44 percent say that evolution is only a theory UH, YEAH, LIKE DARWIN SAID, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11 AND YOU SAY BUSH WAS INVOLVED. WHO WOULD YOU BELIEVE, A MANIAC DICTATOR WHO MURDERS HIS OWN PEOPLE BY THE HUNDRED OF THOUSANDS AND PAID $27,000 TO EVERY FAMILY WHOSE CHILD STRAPPED A BOMB TO THEMSELVES AND MURDERED INNOCENT PEOPLE? OR THE FACT THAT HE SPENT TEN YEARS FLOUTING UN RESOLUTIONS AND INSPECTORS, WHILE TOSSING DISSIDENTS INTO PLASTIC SHREDDERS OR DRILLING HOLES INTO THEM. HIS INVOLVEMENT WAS TACIT. MOST HISTORIANS WILL AGREE THAT HE NEEDED TO BE TOPPLED. and 61 percent of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties KILLING YOUR OWN OFFSPRING DOES TEND TO FOOL US INTO THINKING SO. VERSES THE LEFT THAT BELIEVES THAT GLOBAL WARMING IS MAN CAUSED EVEN WHEN EVERY PLANET IN THE SOLAR SYSTEM IS WARMING. THEM ARE SOME FEROCIOUS COW FARTS, DUDE.

By the way, we're taking the good pot, too NOW YOU'RE GETTING TO YOUR POINT. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico SORRY, WON'T BE NEEDING IT.



Peace out, Blue States OR, AT LEAST ENJOY WHAT PEACE YOU CAN. YOU'D BE SURPRISED WHAT COMES ALONG WHEN YOU HAVE YOUR PANTS AROUND YOUR ANKLES. PERHAPS YOU DO KNOW...